Party Time :-(

Have lost it - nobody's seems remotely interested in me - can't remember the last time anyone hit on me - and I have lost the ability to move around in a party and initiate conversation and more.

Stupid Girls

Stupid girl, stupid girls, stupid girls
Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back

Excerpts from a song by Pink

A friend

A friend is v confused i think. he isn't sure he is gay or bi. Hopes he is bi. Had a relationship with a girl last few months. Was off the scene. He says I was the only gay person he continued to be in touch with. He called me on saturday and asked me if I was going for the party. I said yes and he said he also would like to come. I said cool and that was it. I didn't ask him what happened, why etc. I think he had fun last night. Am glad I dont need to go thru this dilemma.

p.s. Syriana, Being Cyrus back to back - this year has really been awesome for movies if u add
Crash & Brokeback

p.p.s. finding it xtremely hard to look for houses in this really really hectic time at work

Hello ! you fool

Why do I do this ? Why do I not make the phonecall ? Is it my ego or is it a fear that it is futile ? But by not making the call am I any better off ? Is a missed opportunity less painful than a realized loss ? Why so much drama in any case as there really is nothing to begin with and hence nothing to lose ? Is it becoz on paper it sounds gr8 and hence the stakes are high ? Where is the confident decisive and ambitious person - when the task is more personal ?

Current Affairs

holi :-( sat at home, the plans didn't work out ... But am happy the fact that I felt the need just renconfirmed the bonds which I have been able to form with the gang.

Was discussing with a friend it is no nice to have a break mid-week. The week suddenly looks so small. But would I exchange the two day weekend for a Wed & Sun option - no way.

Went to Mad o Wot with P - he got a really radical but extremely nice haircut. Lets hope his office reaction is not very hostile - the cut really suits him. Sapna was v friendly and we chatted and she was talking abt here difficulty in getting a place given her live in relationship and her huge tattoos. Loved her attitude - totally kickass. She has promised that she will do something nice with my hair but I need to grow it for a month. The place where her salon is totally rocking and would be awesome to stay in - can imagine the down stairs as hall & kitchen and upstairs as bedroom overlooking the sea. But that ain't likely to happen so ...

Swimming in the Monsoon Sea - another Selvadurai - his books are very similar but very nice reads. I must be one of the few ppl who preferred Cinnamon Gardens to Funny Boy. This book is a subtle and with the backdrop of Othello. Looks ripe to be converted to a movie - A Bollywood movie based on it - sigh !
A line which is so relatable - "After a while, so much heat had spread through Amrith's body that he seemed to be burning up with a fever" - for the context read the book.

Saw a few movies - a documentary like movie on gay guys in Maghreb (Morocco etc) a big theme being that being a top is ok and only the "bottom" guys are derided and looked down upon, Elizabethtown (Cameron Crowe, Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst) breezy nice but a let down given the credits and 2046 (Wong Kar Wai) haunting beautiful (reminded me a lot of Brokeback in terms of long periods of silence).

Worked most of the sunday morning (9-12) - cleared my inbox - still had some more to do but decided its ok. This week is going to be quite hectic need to get a lot done.

Finally on a diet - one day at a time - deviation 100 odd calories in 24 hrs. I am going out today to a friends place and am supposed to take my team out tom - need to find a way to manage - no non-veg this week is the real block - else I could have had grilled fish.

Just seeing Hottest 40 over 40 - awesome the way this people look wow
INXS new video with the new lead - so HOT

mandatory brokeback post

... hyped, over hyped whatever u may say - very few movies have left me with a lingering sense of sadness like brokeback did .. in the final analysis in a very insidious way it got to me.

Lots more to say but this suffices ... Will see it again and maybe again but on dvd...

Holi

the charm - the disgust
the colours - the filth
the revelry - the molestation

After a long time have a bunch of friends with whom I want o play holi

The ideal scenario - friends and their friends (people with two degrees of separation) can meet in an open space (a garden with a waterbody !!) and have fun with gulal, bhang & sweets.

The compromise - Juhu - half the fun will be to drag R from his house ... hopefully it will turn out the way I visualize it ..

3 Phonecalls

1. Heard him out - didn't know the answers - he insisted I did but I really didn't - I don't really know JB well enough to help him. There was a phase when JB liked me but that was then and then JB distanced himself as he couldn't bear to be just friends. But do I know if JB is his type - for gods sake don't even fully understand what he wants. Finally took him thru series of events and hopefully made him realize he was just being too impatient and needs to give things time and maybe leave his ego behind and send a sms yet again. 15 mins + another 20 odd mins.

2. warm conversation with K about this and that. Shared frustations & a few laughs. Had to cut it short after 10 mins as I had revert to call one.

3. stilted conversation - hi and how r things and how r ppl - pissed me off by insinuating I was "passed out" on saturday night - anyway no mention of anything of consequence about his life - felt sad that we ran out of things to say before 5 mins.

Don't know why I am writing this post.

A gem from minstrels

"Looking Out"

It must be odd
to be a minority
he was saying.
I looked around
and didn't see any.
So I said
Yeah
it must be.
-- Mitsuye Yamada

Snippets in my mind

Because you're mine, I walk the line. Lovely thought, 35 years of togetherness and to die within 4 months of each other. A love story.

Have decided to start calling P Superman - he works in software, is learning French, plays tennis, goes to the gym, learning salsa, plays the piano, acts, does choir stuff, planning to teach engineering students etc etc. My only query to him was - r u enjoying doing all this or are u just doing them to either prove a point or simply because u think u have to.

What is in us that makes us uneasy when someone is very friendly ? Not sure how to react to overtures of a friends confidante - does he just want to be friends or does he want me to join his spiritual group thing or ...

How well do we know the people we call friends ? Someone asked me whether a friend of mine believes in monogamous relationships and I wasn't sure at all what the answer was ?

Waiters at restaurants who follows rules (defined to increase customer satisfaction) but only irritate the clients who expect a personalized experience. We don't want sambhar with dosa - we are happy just having it with coconut chutney.But no the waiter at Dosa Diner insisted that we have it too. And pls guys can we tone down the upsell pitch.

What does one give people who just got engaged - u could take flowers if u were going for the event but post that what do u get them - any his n hers kind of things don't work - finally bought stuff individually for both of them from Tresorie.

Will Brokeback be able to live up to the hype ? Specially with Crash & Walk the line already having pushed the threshold up.

Mainland China - awesome food, nice decor, indifferent service, bad temperature controls (it was like sitting in 10 degrees) really really shitty location - and I thought Location was the most important thing in Retail.

Nobody I like will ever like me.

Desperately need to buy a house - I want to have living space of my own - or even if I rent one will totally do it up. Obscene prices - 9.5-10.5 K per sq ft in Santa Cruz !!

Je suis desole Sis - didnt return your call.

Love lazy sundays - waking up with people in the house in nice - going to for late breakfast at JATC and lazing at Juhu Mocha till 1.30 p.m. Relax at home, small nap , check mail etc. Watch a nice movie - dinner and long walk on Carter Road with a friend.

Two consecutive nights of playing host is tiring. Unfortunately it also means that I hardly get to talk to too many people.

Why is it so hard to bear rejection ? And what can be worse then letting your fear of rejection stop you from taking the initiative at all.

Nobody has ever send me flowers.

How does one deal with the situation when your best friend loses a parent ?

Whats in the air ? Everyone seems to be having work issues - One is struggling with what he wants to do and the implications of those choices on his lifestyle , other is trying to find a better / higher paying one, for others looking for more appreciation and growth and pondering the question am I as good as I think I am ?, one is trying to balance independence & stability, ego & PR needed, one is doing something in which is heart is not there but he has already made a commitment and finally someone who is seeking ways to release their own potential from the shackels of family business.

Nice saturday too - Shopping in Tresorie, lunch at Mailnland China, haircut at Frank Provost, grocery shopping at SPAR, chatting with a friend at home, Soup & Salad at JATC and finally a nice and really successful (my impression) house party (maybe will write a post about it).

Why I am working so hard ?

Am really excited - have started working on something which is potentially HUGE. It is (a) intellectually challenging - will need to work in collaboration with best of breed brains in various fields in India & abroad (b) a huge market opportunity - will fulfill a long felt need and (c) potentially a development with a huge social payoff - will help improve the lives of a huge section of the population. Hence don't mind that I need to work harder than usual - am just very overwhelmed on working on something which if it works out will be a breakthrough.

Fingers crossed by end of the year it will all have worked out.