The blues

I should be on the top of the world but why do I feel like I have hit a nadir. I should be happy but ...
Professionally am doing really well, doing work I like, working with people I like and the learning & money ain't bad but ...
Have a nice bunch of friends, have a great time with them but ...
Can't blame it on not having a net connection at home - been online n number of times in last couple of months but ...
Made an effort to go out of my way to meet a couple of guys but ...

Well I am going to continue working hard, providing a shoulder or ear as the case might be to friends, and ... que sera sera

Learn new tricks

Had started learning how to drive a month back - went through the motions of going for classes at 7.30 in the morning , went through the farce of the driving test ( 4 hours of waiting for 5 mins of driving) , and had my first real drive to office today. Was a little tentative & cautious - as the classes don't really prepare you for traffic or speed. Couldn't have chosen a worse day - the traffic was horrible - and had to drive most of the way in bumper to bumper traffic. Didn't fare too bad I think. On the speed angle have not crossed 60 kmph yet.

Frankly though much prefer sitting on the backseat, reading , talking on phone or chatting with friends while the chauffeur bothers about the clutch, the brakes,the accelerator and the traffic on the daily grind from home to office & back.

But the thought of taking off on the road to nowhere in particular appeals ...

Dinner with friends

Four friends, red wine, good food and excellent conversation.
Friends who have grown comfortable with each other.
We bitched abut people, bemoaned the lack of love interests in our lives, complained about long hours at work, planned a trip for new year's
K really slogged to make the food - and like a housewife refused to share the recipe with R.
Thanks K for the lovely meal & a lovelier evening.

Workday

Replying to mails, long meetings, some decisions, some discussions, some intellectual masturbation, some gossiping, some bullying, some cajoling, some counseling, and some substantive work that about sums up my day ...

Square one

Well the dream is over - divine intervention literally - the deal for the house fell through because the landlady had this huge saibaba statue in the house which she didn't want to remove. So I am back to square one. Sigh !

Snippets from the past week

Saw a place on carter road - near CCD
6th floor with a sea view - u literally see into a coconut tree from the bedroom
dingy furniture can be thrown into a store room
fresh coat of paint & a little colour, rugs etc should do the trick
but old building what about the plumbing & exposed electricity
hmmm wondering if its worth the hassle of moving

Buying a fancy car and moving to a sea view apartment on carter road - should make me feel better right ?

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Lemon Grass has changed its decor - looks a lot brighter now - don''t like it much - used to like the darker wall colour and subdued lights. Resisted having a dessert much to K's disgust but one week of no alcohol,no rice or desserts - atleast a start. :-)

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Met an ex colleague for coffee today, she has turned housewife - painting, learning to sing and taking care of her kids (the younger daughter is adopted). She seemed so much at peace. She has finally stopped cringing when putting on paper her identity as a housewife. She still dreads reunions (being from one of the Bschools) and the awkwardness which creeps in when people realise that she is no longer working.

Loved the way see was talking about her kids - she says she refuses to teach them or talk to them about school work. Instead she teaches them about science & art. Some amazing stuff - after visiting the Louvre her six year old daughter asks her you did not show me the sunflower painting - amazing right. Or taking them to different cities in India for the weekend while her hubby may or may not join them depending on work - Like going to Cal and showing them the tram, the rickshaw, the museums. Or doing the math and giving them fun info like how much they would weigh on the moon etc.

Is she wasting her education ? Did she cheat somebody of a seat ? Don't know but I respect her for the choices she has made and she is doing what she feels is important to her and thats what matters.

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Decided to see Harry Potter to see what the fuss was about. Found it ok - but what was amazing was that the though the theatre was full of kids there was no disturbance at all. They all seemed totally engrossed in the movie. Can't understand what the big deal about this Krum chappie.

Saw 'Whats eating Gilbert Grape ?' - Leonardo Dicaprio is amazing - This along with 'The Basketball Diaries' simply stand out - wonder when will he be able to do work like that again in his post Titanic super stardom.

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Lalu's out of Bihar & Sena seems to be on the last leg in Mahrashtra - Buddhadeb has turned Cal upside down - times seem to be changing. While Uma still can't stop whining (Woman if u have the guts - strike out on your own for gods sake and live happily with ur friend Govindacharya) - Firmly believe we shouldn't allow regional parties to contest national elections - the federal nature comes from the Rajya Sabha in anycase.

Will the Indian economy fulfill the BRIC dream - well if it does it will be despite the politics. Reddy gives Indian banks 5 year reprieve from foreigners swamping them but the government can't get its act together on consolidation. The much delayed pension reforms hopefully will cross the hurdle this session. SEBI & RBI fighting like petulant kids over the debt markets - while it slides slowly into chaos. SEBI & IRDA fiddling like Nero while their industries are on the verge of a disaster. Need a MAS/FSA kind of regulator and need to get professionals who understand the issues on board fast.

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Am so glad came out to a friend at work a couple of weeks back. Just realised how I wasted two years. He actually asks about my personal life & we discuss things. Nice. He told his fiancee too and she seems fine as well. The domino effect seems to be working positively for now. The theory that if more people come out more people will get comfortable about homosexuality logically seems correct as then the issue become about real people you know & love and not about some stereotype in your mind.
Am more at ease now but not sure when the worlds collide what shape my career would be left in. But I am hopeful it wouldn't matter.

Two sundays & resolutions revisited

Been a really mixed up last eight days.

Last sunday was being social. Met a college friend whom I had not met for 7 years with his wife & kid. Reminiscing about old times, discovering about the turns that our lives had taken, promising to keep in touch more. In the evening met a couple from London, who are friend's of a dear friend H, though I don't see him too often. Had a really pleasant dinner at Otters courtesy H's buddhist fashion designer (BFD) friend.

Today on the other hand have not stepped out of my home - the only people I have seen are the maid, dhobi etc. Just one of the useless lazy day - spend hours online. Met an interesting french guy online - we chatted for hours. He loves India and is dying to come back to bombay. Hmmm we discussed so much from indian generics industry to movies to pleasures of traveling...

A status report on the resolutions taken last saturday. Kept one & couldn't keep the other. Yesterday went on a date after ages - lunch followed by tea - conversation flowed and it was fun. Where is it likely to lead - nowhere i suppose. But it was nice and I am meeting him for dinner sometime this week. That was followed by finally going to courtyard with K - it is so different from any mall. Spend obscene amount of money on a designer trouser & a shirt. Broke the going on diet resolution - had beer & ate fries at mondy's. Wondering why does nobody hit on me at parties any longer :-(

Resolutions

Has been a very listless week at work, wavering attention, no serious discussions, and nothing very intellectual or exciting to work on.

On Tuesday met Adman for a walk on carters. We discussed - am I too picky or am I just hoping that one day someone will knock at my window and enter my life ? Went through my phone book with him and I had 8-10 numbers of people I have not met or find cute/ nice but not gone out on a date with. So have decided to meet some of them whom I find attractive and see what happens. Vik - u r supposed to introduce me to some nice people you know.

Met AV for Lunch yesterday - he looked at me across the road and called me, couldn't wait to cross the road - " What have u done to yourself ? You are going fat ! Your face seems puffed up blah blah". Coming from a str8 guy it really hurt - how I envy people like him who can effortlessly stay thin - eat & drink twice as much as me and stay thin :-(
So I resolve I am on a diet - so request all friends not to tempt me
no white bread or rice
no desserts or sugars etc etc
no soft drink mixers for drinks - flavoured vodka on the rocks or whiskey it is

Need to figure out how I juggle time between work, my driving lessons, dates (!!) and gym.

Met Rani for a walk/coffee around ten. He was quietly confident , slightly hyper & a little edgy - but I am sure he has will be able to bell the "cat".

Headlines

Riots in France ...
Indian software giant TCS buys a company in Chile ...
US has secret prisons across the world ...
Al Jazeera launches a worldwide English news channel ...

The world is changing. Its getting complicated & people need to reassess the lens they have been using to see the world. Swaminomics this Sunday implying "independent foreign policy" could have meant "bought by Saddam" or the lies about WMD and the implications of the Libby indictment. The embedded war footage of CNN or the Al Jazeera exclusives. The Enron/ Worldcomm saga or the Reliance web of companies.

Juste une question d'amour

Sigh ! if only shopping could help - did a lot of that in October, my birthday month. So instead of retail therapy - I did movie therapy and locked myself home till sunday evening. Saw 3 movies - just a question of Love & Code46 on saturday evening & Wonder Boys on sunday morning.

Wonder boys is a really great movie - surprisingly had not heard of it despite the cast of Michael Douglas, Toby Macguire & Robert Downey Jr and direction by the LA Confidential guy. Its about the one book, one movie, one play wonders who cannot replicate it and lead their lives under the burden of that one big success. Well acted and well scripted it was fun to watch alone at 8 on sunday morning. And surprise surprise this movie has a gay element - Robert Downey Jr & Tobey Mcguire in bed together !!

Just emphasized for me the centrality of making choices in life as the only way of moving forward.

Code46 is a scifi romance. Dont cringe - it has Tim Robbins & Samantha Morton. It is based on the premise that global warming has made large parts of the world desert and you need a cover to enter any of the "civilized cities". In a world of rampant cloning & invitiro procedures you have to make sure u dont sleep & have kids with somebody with more than 25% genetic match. The movie is very disturbing and even if the premise seems far fetched - consider this : genetic mapping reveals concerns - can't get insurance - so can't get mortgage - so can't buy home - and so on ... The boundary between the haves & the have nots is a physical city wall here. The two main leads dont look like a romantic pair but they add an intensity & desperation to the impossible situation they find themselves in.

Finally the delightful french movie Just a question of love - about the conflicts faced by a young guy between coming out to his parents & living a lie to not shatter their delusions. I could so imagine it being translated into an Indian context - the feelings were same and finally as the character says to his father - "It is not about being gay or straight - its just a question of love and I love Cedric"

Got dragged by Vik to Lokhandwala - met these really interesting set of people whom I hope to see a lot more of.

One more weekend ends - hope everyone doesn't take me to be a movie junkie - just think it is better to see nice movies then meet uninteresting people just because I have place. Also have almost finished reading an improbable & impossible sort of romantic story called Broken April by an Albanian author called Ismail Kadare.

What do u do ?

In a weird mood - feeling a little lost. When intellect can't help you resolve the problem, rectify the situation , fill the void, what do u do ?

Jinxed

Wrote twice about my feelings about Diwali - both times couldn't post it. Divine providence or awful infrastructure ? Let me attempt a different version.

Sweets, cashew nuts, almonds.
Diyas & fireworks.
Home food cooked in Ghee.
Empty streets & deserted offices.
Emotional calls from home.
More holidays - and more time to drink, eat and watch movies.

In Diwali spirit went to watch Hanuman - horrible Amar Chitra Katha anyday in better.Nice eye candy on Diwali eve at jazz and on Diwali afternoon in Zorro, the movie.

I am Hindu. Nobody lables me good or bad based on what I do or don't do. I don't feel guilty about not praying, fasting or going to temples. I suppose I believe in God. Huh !

Lazy weekend

Why don't you blog more often - a common refrain from my three readers ! Well its a combination of a) laziness, b) hectic schedules & c) boring lifestyle. No adventures/conquests to talk about, no decadence to flaunt, no ire to vent and no earth shattering dilemmas to resolve. Just another week.

saw 4 movies this weekend - ranging from interesting to downright shoddy. the River with the formula of intersecting lives; which was executed with more power in Amores Perros; had amazing production values & touching performances. Latter days a flaky movie which was great fun.

Last night was supposed to be a night out at jazz but ended up being dvd night with a couple of friends. TC and i had breakfast at crepe station - i overate am going fatter by the day. Need to go on a diet asap. After ages was naughty again - well it was meaningless so what, right !

Six degrees - not in my worlds !

Went for Anand's kids' birthday party, he is the only person I know who calls his work colleagues, family, in laws & college friends for the same party and leaves it to them to get along...

After the kids had left with their entourage of maids and/or drivers the pertinent question was raised- so what will everyone have to drink ? Chose orange vodka as my poison.

Sensex cats & market timing

Bacardi breezer in one hand & one year child in another - Modern Indian woman ?!

Cribs about bad bosses & inconsiderate husbands

Chicken only in disposable plates & with disposable spoons !

Dieting so biryani - no and Beer uhh- yes

Whispering soon to be weds, bickering old couples

Reminiscing & Back slapping.

Incestuous corporate world. S works for a company which is owned by a company X. A is on the board of company X as she works in a private equity firm which owns the majority stake. B works for a fund management company which has invested in the private equity fund. Finally S has invested some of his savings in the fund house in which B works. So is S working for himself ?

Got gifted Two lives by J, a friend at work. Would never have bought it perhaps ala Shantaram or the Suitable Boy.

1st week of the year ...

Nice to know ppl care - so here I am ! Have had quite an eventful week, tons of work followed by 4 late nights in a row from wed to sat. Don't worry am not going to bother you with tedious details of my long hours at work - have become an expert at juggling work between meetings. All you non corporate people thank God that you don't have to survive in the Dilbertesque world - though must admit it comes with its own set of perks - like my brand new car.

The car was delivered on tuesday and the first week itself has a tiny bump - curse the valet at Spring (the erstwhile SOHO and before that Sin - seems like PNC have a S thingee like the K factor for Balaji). Decent food - had a lovely brown 3 grain bread cajun chicken sandwich. The place was totally empty though apart from a couple of people from the American consulate which is bang opposite. My team really had fun and as we had the place to ourselves we made quite a racket. For those who are interested its restrooms are in the gym wet area.

wed met vik for dinner - an aside cute waiter with a lovely smile took the order. Followed by a long leisurely walk at Carters and finally we went to seijo for a drink. People were strolling in at 11:30 and the lounge was almost full- people have too much money and of course no need to go to work at 8. Vik all your bitching & groaning has totally disillusioned me about what is out there , surely things can't be that bad ?

On thursday was an office party - at 11.30 realised have a driver waiting downstairs felt very guilty and did a cinderella - got food packed for my driver :-). Invariably as it happens the conversation went from belated wishes to how old r u to when r u getting married. But got a surprise when I said I am not getting married and one of the guys asked are you gay. Well just said that's an interesting qs and laughed it off - and somehow we moved on to talk about other things ! Any suggestions ?

On friday took a couple of friends out for dinner - b'day treat etc followed by desserts at melting moments hmmm. Cannot have dessert at a chinese place - how many times can one have honey noodles with icecream ? There is a new place called Caravan Serai in bandra need to check it out soon - given that it is part of the China gate/ Golden Orchid set of restaurants. It is supposed to serve Peshawari food.

Needed to get a lot of work done on saturday however just didn't feel like - so went shopping instead bought some matching floor mats for my car!,got expensive new specs for wearing at home ! (Carrera frames and some new age material lens), finally got myself enrolled for a driving class. Lessons start on friday and hopefully in a month will be able to drive. Went to meet Anand & Alka for lunch- Nicky is such a delight and we both watched Alice in Wonderland while waiting for Anand to get back from work. Leisurely afternoon sipping orange vodka, having home cooked food and listening to their intermittent nagging. Then went shopping for Nicky's birthday present. Bought a cute pair of barbie jeans & T for her - can't believe how expensive kids' clothes are. Went for a hair cut from this hunk at N&Y - need to learn how to start a conversation with him - can't think what to talk to him apart from the usual pleasanteries & how I wished my hair was better.

Last night was a blast - thanks tc after ages really danced. Karma really rocked last night and thank god for a change the music went on beyond two. Quite a few attractive men - however was content just dancing with tc - much simpler and less painful.

Saw the movie A Good Woman today. Oscar Wilde is awesome ! One of the characters says - people are either charming & tedious - wonder what the world thinks of me ? Bought this book called Broken April by an Albanian author called Ismail Kardare - hope it turns out well and I can add him to Murakami & David Mitchell as discoveries for the year.

P is off tom - Best of luck boy and be naughty for a change. btw everyone the other person in the "we" on my last post was him and he was cribbing as to why I didn't include his name.

Birthday Boy

Last night nine friends ushered in my birthday at my place. Others called or messaged to wish. Felt a warm glow. All of us reached various degrees of intoxication and finally called it a night at three.
K - hope to spent many a morning sipping tea from the mug.
Rani - hope to be able to use your gift very soon.
Thanks everyone for the books, the music and the movies.

One aspect which was very sad was I told some colleagues (who I am very fond of & close to) that they couldn't come at 12 to wish me. Damn ! Life is a bitch ! Last week came out to a colleague - maybe its just a beginning.

Got up early around 7.30 and was home alone till evening :-( . The day has been interspersed with calls & messages. Around 5 went shopping and bought a couple of delightful white Ts from Benetton and a nice one from a new shop on linking road called Arrow Sport. The sales person at the Arrow Sport shop made me realize why I can never buy anything at Shoppers. He was attentive and gave suggestions (which were informed & made sense)but was not hovering over us. There was no place at JATC so we went and had a quick bite at Subway. Am wondering if watching Breakfast at Tiffany's would be the perfect end to the day.

The day before today

I hate working on saturdays but the alternative of working today on my birthday was totally abhorrent. So spent the better part of yesterday in office - such are the imperatives of corporate life !!

Its so strange - the most unexpected of people reach out to you on your birthdays. You can sense some of them really feel for you and want to stay in touch - but with what nonchalance you engage in superficial, casual conversation not telling anything of any import and not asking much.

On the other hand there is the yearning to hear some people's voice - u know they won't remember, u know they won't call but u still hope maybe ...
It shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't matter - its just another day ...
Maybe things have changed as for the first time in seven years I forgot too - 29th sep.

Ambivalent Feelings

Every year as my birthday comes nearer I am caught up in contradictory emotions - to celebrate or to sulk. Last year wanted to be alone and this year have invited a bunch of friends home. This year has really rushed past and am not sure if I achieved much.

Have finally succumbed to the expectations from a yuppie and bought a car. The math somehow still doesn't work for me in a place like bombay where getting a cab is a non-issue and the distances are not really that long. But what the heck !!

Movies / Memories

Saw eternal sunshine for ... last night. Interesting construct but quite a simple idea about the triumph of love. Funny in parts, touching in others overall a good watch. Kristin Dunst really has a magical presence she stands out even in such small roles.

One interesting movie to watch about memories is After Life a Japanese movie in which the situation is the exact inverse and the dead are supposed to choose one memory to hold on for eternity.

Don't think I would ever want to erase memories - however much they may hurt. Anyways what is a memory ? Is it an accurate reflection of what we have experienced or a suitably modified & edited remembrance of the past which fits our image of ourselves today.

kallat or dadiseth ?

Went to dinner last night with K (not attempting a Kafka !) and in conversation two names got mentioned with a response WHO ? I mentioned Keki Dadiseth and he mentioned Jitish Kallat. Could place Jitish because of his work on my friend's desk and remembered a conversation we had about it a few months back. Dadiseth drew a blank from him.

He shrugged it off saying different worlds ! Got me thinking how even in this day of web & mobile telephony we restrict our universe to the familiar. We may console ourselves that they are not relevant to us - but don't we just make our lives poorer by taking that stance. Ah ! how do we make sure we don't miss out the Kallat's of the world who make the world a richer, better place ....