The dilemma

Months of effort finally sees the light of day. It was a emotional rollercoaster in more ways than one - but I truly believe what we have delivered is unique and outstanding. It will perhaps remain one of the key achievements for all of us for some time.

But have been asked to choose at this juncture and am faced with the dilemma :

Option 1 : play from strength - ask for bigger role potentially be really successful - work with people you are already comfortable with - have a bit more time to yourself - risk getting bored if things don't pan out as planned

Option 2 : work for something which looks really interesting - the politics could get very murky - most people you will work with you don't gel with - spend crazy amount of time at work - you will have fun and could end up doing something worthwhile in all senses - risk is the fizz dies and you end up being caught in no man's land

Hmmm - go by the gut ?? !!

Making choices like these are optional plays especially in an uncertain environment and the predicator is really undeterminable

The touch

I seem to have lost the touch. Not sure whats happened. Though I am doing really well on all fronts, miss the touch in both personal & professional life. I am not sure if I am making sense.

Professionally I used to hit the right note every time immediately now it has become a tedious & iterative process. Similarly in personal life not sure when was the last time someone hit on me.

I am not sure if its me or just the changing circumstances - dont like this. I want my touch back.

Talk to me

long time since i blogged. its been a tough few months. work seems to have taken over life.

Last Saturday was this series of rendezvous - after ages was up all night - which did not involve dancing and/or drinking. Random movie actually real trash (but for a change didnt mind it too much) Emily kept on saying horrible, trash etc while TC & FB where giggling away to glory - these two boys know how to enjoy things without trying to intelectualize . After a lot of what should we do next - landed up at Sun & Sand coffee shop - these juhu places seem from a totally diff time & age - really loud ppl though - holiday inn coffee shop has started a cover charge of around 200 bucks can you believe it. While TC & Emily left for Bandra i stayed back - Long chat with juhu boy at his home - its so weird that he still doesn't have a key for his home and u need to enter from the rear door after waking the maid - we find it very easy to talk to each other, in some ways he knows more about me than others. Had to leave as K was putting senti to meet him at Lands End - the lobby place bar had shut down - and we pondered over choices like coffee, chamomile, coke etc and sank into the sofa - we talked and talked ordered food talked till around 5 - when we went for a walk at bandstand and finally home.

It was nice to really talk after such a long time. It has been snatched conversations for sometime or just a lot of silly talk with the gang.

Nishkam Karma Yoga

Estoy muy occupado porque mucho trabaja. Estoy confudido y poco triste pero muy tranquilo.

I seem to be changing - the craziness of last month and specially last week or so has not gotten to me totally. I am relatively calm and matter of fact. For the first time am focusing energies on external world. The work I am doing is interesting and that's what matters right. Why bother thinking and reacting to possible motives for the behaviour of others ? This phase is likely to be only educative and/or a revelation - and life can then go on.

hmmmmmmm

lost
scared
angry (not really !)
resigned
tired
defiant
amused

Insecurities - 2 conversations

What makes us so possessive ? Why do we feel insecure in our relationships be it friendship or something more ? People can be close to more people then we realize and we don't need to force them to choose.

When things r going great why do we suddenly feel like it could all unravel ? When u should feel on top of the world why do we feel powerless ? There will always be options as ability is really inherent.

Drifting away

Drifting away from most of the world - family, str8 friends, most gay friends - spend most of the time working or with the gang. Its by choice. Is it healthy ? A phone call triggered this post. Got a call out of the blue from a school friend whom I had not met for a decade (he has moved to US ) he found my number from god knows where and after a round of abusing he kept on insisting I tell him why the hell I was not in touch with anyone - all the people who I was so close to it school & in college.

My answer - I cant see much point spending a lot of time with people with whom I cant be myself, and as I am not out to most people it pretty much means the entire world. Everyone seems to be married with one or more kids - the conversation just becomes about them or about work - which I anyway don't like talking too much about. but is that really the case - even people I am out to do I really engage with them.

maybe it is laziness. I just don't get it - I am not asocial per se infact enjoy going out and being with people. Its just phone is not for me as a medium - surprisingly chatting I am cool with and coordinating times to meet is so tedious that meeting becomes a question really of coincidence.

So guys if I have not been in touch - xcuse me - not that I don't care - its just me. Give me a shout and I will always be there for you all.

p.s. Why do I have this blog ? Am a very private person so dont write much. anyways who reads it.

Tagged by Emily

I am thinking about... how will things shape for all of us - what turns our lives would take, a decade later where would we be and what would we be doing .

I said... I am not ambitious (liar)

I want to... make a mark.

I wish... I could find a soulmate.

I miss... almost nothing or noone.

I hear... whatever suits my mood.

I wonder... if I have what it takes to succeed / sustain a relationship

I regret... not being close to my family.

I am... a sweetheart (?!) .

I dance... with zeal .

I sing...only when I am high

I cry... when something touches me (albeit not always overtly).

I am not always... patient.

I write... to just voice a few feelings.

I confuse... people by being bundle of contradictions.

I need... inspiration and challenge for sustenance.

I should try...to be more tolerant of people.

I finish... things I am responsible for

Questions

Am I living in an ivory tower ?
Am I doing well professionally ? Btw how does one assess that ?
What will I do when my personal & professional lives collide ?
Do people at work like me ?
Have I pissed off my str8 friends ?
Why haven't I gone on a date for a long long time ?
Why have I not been in a serious relationship in the last five years ?
Why am I putting on weight again ?
Am I selfdestructive or just plain arrogant ?
Why am I prone to bursts of being totally asocial ?
Why have I lost touch with so many ppl over the last few years ?
Am i am seriously fucked up ?

On to less existential questions
Whom should I go to for a haircut ?
Where should I shop for some shirts ?
Which speakers/ amps to buy ?
How do i change my phone tariff plan & get a broadband connection at home ?

Rains

On a lark went with H to Lonavla on Sunday evening - it was lovely drive - we talked almost non-stop we had met after some time - post the mcd mist covered hills were simply awesome -1st stop coopers for chocolate walnut fudge and then Dukes for the lovely view and some eats. Gosh ! I wish I could drive. Rains really transform the ghats around Mumbai from dreary vague places to a delight. On the way back the small stretch before we hit the expressway was a little scary extremely due to low visibility and curving roads. But it was really fun.

Three days of lost productivity for a city which seems to have decided to press the panic button whether warranted or not. It seems so not Bombay. Though the lens which i use seems seriously flawed as bandra and southwards are not representative. Today was a mid week holiday. Spend some time with the gang at JATC and then we watched Mrs Henderson Presents at home. Judi Dench was awesome as usual - Brit humour rocks.

p.s. on a passing note why do all the men look so hot in this weather.

More than words

And to top it all my room was above the lagoon - and I could literally jump from my room into the lagoon !

Maldives is really mind blowing - these are just pics from my phone - have been too lazy to load my camera pics on my computer.

Day 1

Slept till late - finally got out of bed at 10 - technically that is 6.30

Was underwhelmed by the Sensoji and the Asakusa-jinja shrine - roamed the streets - getting used to the prices
Omote Sando is impressive though ...

Has been raining all day - though more like a drizzle and not like Bombay Monsoons - sort of made the entire city airconditioned

Met someone online - finally asked him out - have been meaning to for sometime but never got around doing so - however he seems to be exploring something currently

Japanese beer is quite nice

A week away

Am off to Tokyo on friday evening - will be back on 19th morning :-)
not planned anything as yet - other than buying lonely planet Tokyo

3 weeks have disappeared

Am sitting in an airport lounge having beer (there goes my diet) and in a dazed manner typing this post. Am really tired. Have been working kind off hard. Gone for a small break to Delhi & Lucknow last weekend in this sweltering heat (God help me ) Did nothing - well almost nothing saw Humayun's tomb - beautiful. Ironic as I was with a friend who was discussing with me how the basic conflict of secularism in our country would be our bane. We are no France or England - we suffer from being quasi American (country we all love to hate) and are as conservative. According to him the caste issue would get sorted out by urbanization. The ghettoization of two cities I have stayed in Mumbai & Ahmedabad - bears testimony to the alienation of the Muslims. Anyway back to Humayun's team- you realise the folly of misplaced restoration and how it virtually killed the natural gradient of the waterways and made it worse or the before/after pics of work done post the grant from the Aga Khan Foundation. How I wish we knew the stories of the people buried there.

Discussing business ideas, politics, history and what not sigh !!

2 white shirts well fitted S size from benetton
Went to a shady party in Delhi on Sat night - had fun - not that delhi crowd I expected - dance like mad got a few admirers - flirted with people

Stayed in the Park for a night - wasteful expenditure - some would say - lovely blue themed room - wanted a massage sadly the spa was closed for renovation

Met an interesting friend of a friend - had a lovely time and was truly relaxed - sadly had to let him down when he wanted to come up

Buying swarowski as wedding present - a cop out or a la di dah thing - it was a really beautiful piece with a flower and a butterfly - 5 figure charge on cc

Chikan saree for Mom and dress for sis - some of the stuff was awesome specially the crepe

3 am and the groom waiting while the bride is giving a photoshoot - unreal

Getting propositioned in the delhi airport lounge by cute firang boy - wow - when I had no time - just my luck

Cute, sweet and rude - don't get this description - on another note am not very stuck up, am I ?

Lovely brunch at Moshes - nice to be driven to town - bought an absolute darling of a phone thought I couldn't exceed Moto Razr - think have done so - the phone is really awesome to look at and on top has an IPod like sound quality, FM, 2 mega pixel camera and 1 GB memory

p.s. am not sure how ambitious I am- but if I am not who am I

A trip down memory lane

Was sorting stuff into keep, think & chuck categories when I found two pieces of paper. Notes I had scribbled on my europe visit in summer of 2003. Had meant to write about it then but kept on postponing it till I forgot all about it. Unfortunately the notes cover only till Madrid, seem to have lost the rest of the trip to Barcelona, South of France & London. These notes jogged by memories and am going to attempt to relive the moments. So for those interested lets go on a trip. Warning : Might be a tad long. The timeline may be all scrambled. Its not a tourism brochure/ travel guide ;-) So not writing about the attractions & the museums.

Stop 1 : Paris

Arrived on 27th June staying close to the infamous Moulin Rouge - which looks so tame in real life. Its quite close to the historic Montmartre. So just a couple of hours after checking in - couldn't wait to get out even though I was quite tired as I had not sleep much on the flight - found myself in the midst of history. Sacre Coeur was so peaceful. The walk simply amazing. Everything is so well preserved - so many creative geniuses stayed/ worked here from Picasso to Renoir to Matisse to Van Gogh. What happened to our history ? We have no meaningful literary or cultural history - would we know where Premchand was born or Amir Khusro's grave or ... Had gone to Lothal in 1998 it was a real disappointment - first there were no signs to guide us there and the site itself is quite run down. After walking for almost 3 hours was too exhausted and found my way back to the hotel. Went for a walk in Pigalle in the evening - hear about poppers for the first time in my life (yes ! people don't gasp) and saw the porn booths. Decided to turn in as I was dead tired and the next day was a big day.

Got up in the morning and rushed to the Tourism office in Champs Elysee to find out the route and took the metro to the start point as I wanted to be there from the start. My first Gay Pride - wow it was so much fun -
have the album in front of me -was using a non digital camera then hence no pics to upload. The cross-section of the gay community from the queens to the dykes , from the twinks to the bears, they were all on the streers in full force. It was awesome - to just be there walking thru the streets of paris - people all over - some dancing on top of bus stops - drinking all the way - a concert on the streets - lay in the garden nearby with strangers - danced away to glory (got carried away by everything and took off my shirt for a bit too !). By evening it all wrapped up as people started to move towards the numerous parties slated for the night. I walked a bit in Marias. Of all things in the world ended up in a straight bar in Marais !!

The next day I decided I wanted to visit Versailles. How well it has been restored by recovering the original works. Sigh the Indian treasures are still spread all across the globe. Two days of Champs Elysee and walking by the Siene , the gardens and the museums, the notre dam , the latin district. Dropped my camera and conked it somehow and it just rewinds the roll to the start. Went to a shop - huge language issue to explain what was wrong with it - when a 60+ guy cycled in to give some pics for development. He happened to be an Indophile and he helped me out though to no avail - so now I am on a vacation without a camera. He talked about India and asked me why I dont know french (like all civilised people). We talked about this and that - really warm - and all this just because I was from India.

Went to a club - mixed crowd - an arab boy approached me and his sister and another friend just swooped me and made me sit with them - they were playing some bhangra ! It was very pleasant but after some time and numerous hints which I like an idiot didn't respond to he sort of drifted away.

Why on earth do i need to leave Paris ? I had a reservation in Amsterdam. 4 days in Paris are just not enough - I am not sure a how long is ... There is just so much to do and its so beautiful.

Had booked myself in a train which I needed to have a transfer is 12 mins. The precision of the Europeans it takes almost exactly 9-10 mins to collect your stuff change platforms and board the train - so if u r lazy or procastinate and don't follow the signs u miss the connection.

Stop 2 : Amsterdam

Stayed in Flying Pig based on the reco of a friend - just not my scene - and my first and last attempt to stay in a hostel. Its just not me I need comfort and space. The only advantage of the hostel was its location you could just walk to Dam Square.First thing after I reached Amsterdam was that I decided to buy a camera - of course I had no clue so went online and spend lots of time with Anand on the phone and finally made the choice. Spend valuable hours doing it.
It can happen only in Europe - to find an art reference in something as mundane as a food stall - this one sells potato fries - to have a painting of "The Potato Eaters" by Van Gogh as the board to shut shop. Fries are almost everywhere in Amsterdam - big fat crisp ones with variety of flavoured mayo based dips - how the hell do the dutch stay thin after eating it almost all the time. Amsterdam really is a quaint small town much contrary to the image of being the sex city. Yes there is an open street where you can gawk at the girls but for the most part as you take the tram/ walk/ cycle around the city and you are struck by how nice it really is. Have heard similar thoughts from other friends who found it very relaxing compared to bigger european cities like Paris or Berlin.

One of the first places I visited was the Anne Frank House. Her story is something which has touched so many of us. From there to the Homomonument. The alignments of the three points of the larger triangle of the Homomonument are symbolic. One points towards the National War Memorial on Dam Square. The second points towards the house of Anne Frank. The third points towards the headquarters of COC Nederland, the Dutch gay rights group. Wild Reeds wrote evocatively about it in his post on Brokeback Mountain. The moments are unforgettable - it was so heart wrenching to be in these two places but at the same time it was inspiring & exhilarating.

Went to a couple of bars in the evening. A guy in his late forties from the suburbs of Amsterdam came and sat next to me. A big plus in amsterdam is that most dutch speak english really well. He was a journalist and we talked for almost an hour about all sorts of things from international politics to gay life in Bombay. He was getting late as he needed to take a train back and he asked me if I wanted to come with him. I said NO ! damn - Am I still not ready for this ? Go with strangers to their house. Scared what might happen - not sure.

Did the sights of Amsterdam the next -couple of days surprisingly the canal tour was good was thinking of avoiding it as a very touristy thing to do. Wanted to do something exciting and wanted to go to a "coffee shop" or buy some mushrooms or something - but chickened out . It was embarrassing as I even entered one coffee shop and then abruptly walked out . I suppose being alone was what played in my mind, and also that I have never even done grass in India. The Brat was supposed to get some for one of my parties at home !! I just want to try and see what the big deal is. Just walking about Amsterdam is such pleasure. Went to visit a few places around Amsterdam - e.g. Zanse Schaans - a quaint hamlet recreated by moving buildings from other parts in the 60s & 70s - with its windmills and well preserved buildings of 17th -18th century - and all this just a 20 min train ride from the city.

And yes, I was up to naughty things in Amsterdam - Thermos - My first sauna in Europe - very different from Babylon, which is really leagues ahead of anything anywhere in the world or so I think. Met Robin, a blonde tall and very very cute Dutch boy, and after some time we found ourselves in a room, he was so good and gentle (for someone with as big a frame as him) and it was really really very nice. To my surprise he was a bottom but had still not got into that stuff - so we had a lovely time for an hour or so and then we went for a shower together and then bid adieu. In a bar I met a really camp person who worked for Elite - was flattered he was interested in me but he really was not my type. Secondly I was not sure if I wanted a threesome with him and his boyfriend, specially when he was not in the bar. Also explored the seedier/ more risque/ kinky side of scene . Walked outside the bar n times - before I got the courage to get in - I was told if I knew today was an underwear party - meaning thereby you were supposed to have only your undies and footwear on. I freaked and started heading out - when this guy at the counter stopped me and said - Don't tell me you have never been to one - There's nothing to worry about as there would be lots of people of all ages - and I really must try it - and for me he would allow me to keep my shirt on till I felt comfortable. I told him I needed time and I paced outside and finally decided to go. The place was four floors -the basement was the dance floor with the dj , the next two floors where bars and the top floor was a dark room. Suffice to say saw a lot of things which were shocking to say the least and I stayed most of the time at the bars. After a while went to dance and slowly I felt stupid being the only one with a shirt on - as lots of people were not even in the undies - so took of my shirt too and danced till early morning. Please no sniggers

Amsterdam was a good mix of fun and relaxation, culture and craziness, the people are really warm and approachable - definetely going to visit again and perhaps do a few things which I wanted to but didn't do last time

End of week 1 - may continue this later sometime ....

Fingers crossed

Two friends are seeing each other - very happy but also very anxious. Fingers crossed this should work out. They seem happy. One is restrained the other lives life cinema scope. Dread the thought of something going wrong - will be too torn ...

Have decided on a house near Dmonte Park - hopefully this one will work out - Looking forward to seeing it transform into an elegant home with loads of help & advice from K

Have taken a big challenge at work - need to co-opt people who don't report into me do things for me - but I suppose thats part of the fun - involves high stakes

Short update

long time since I blogged. Lots has happened this month. On verge of finally shifting houses hopefully landlord will sign the agreement tom - paying an obscene amount of money, god knows why ?

Been hyper busy at work - feel guilty sometime that I am not spending enough time with all my reportees - but really dont know what to do

I think I need to rebalance my life again - its just been work and some time with the gang - need to spend some more time with batchmates & other friends - seem to be losing perspective
Was on a flight to bangalore - when after a long time I was not tired and free - felt that i need to be a little more in tune with rest of the people - feel Anand wants to ask me to join them for the business venture but he is hesitant - he thinks i am not keen - he wants to discuss it with me but ...- maybe will go for a drink with him tom - everybody seems to be doing interesting stuff

Personal life - zilch is hapenning - been online for short bursts to chat recently - useless & idiotic waste of time - everybody seems to be going on dates but me - one date in the last 15 months

Broken Flowers

Something seemed broken in the movie - a very remote picture - consider the cast Bill Murray, Jessica Lange, Sharon Stone, Frances Conroy ( six feet under Mom) - have very ambivalent feelings about it. Bill Murray did Lost in Translation and now this - liked the other one much more. A critic writes "Murray superbly insinuates to us a man full of feeling who is bemused by his own inability to find a way to let it out." Hugh Grant's About a Boy was similar but had an obviously commercial fairytale ending. The character mellowed and was able to "let it out".

Scary at a different level - there could be lot of us who could end up like this. In the gay context being Don Juan is no big deal but the price to pay is quite steep u end up with a fancy house with your big TVs and the other gizmos but no one to really share it with ....

But the worst off I suppose are people like me who squander their 20s and 30s in studies and work and career and all that jazz and ...

"Lying"
He puts his brush to the canvas,
with one quick stroke
unfolds a bird from the sky.
Steps back, considers.
Takes pity.
Unfolds another.
-- Jane Hirshfield (Nov 1994)

Party Time :-(

Have lost it - nobody's seems remotely interested in me - can't remember the last time anyone hit on me - and I have lost the ability to move around in a party and initiate conversation and more.

Stupid Girls

Stupid girl, stupid girls, stupid girls
Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back

Excerpts from a song by Pink

A friend

A friend is v confused i think. he isn't sure he is gay or bi. Hopes he is bi. Had a relationship with a girl last few months. Was off the scene. He says I was the only gay person he continued to be in touch with. He called me on saturday and asked me if I was going for the party. I said yes and he said he also would like to come. I said cool and that was it. I didn't ask him what happened, why etc. I think he had fun last night. Am glad I dont need to go thru this dilemma.

p.s. Syriana, Being Cyrus back to back - this year has really been awesome for movies if u add
Crash & Brokeback

p.p.s. finding it xtremely hard to look for houses in this really really hectic time at work

Hello ! you fool

Why do I do this ? Why do I not make the phonecall ? Is it my ego or is it a fear that it is futile ? But by not making the call am I any better off ? Is a missed opportunity less painful than a realized loss ? Why so much drama in any case as there really is nothing to begin with and hence nothing to lose ? Is it becoz on paper it sounds gr8 and hence the stakes are high ? Where is the confident decisive and ambitious person - when the task is more personal ?

Current Affairs

holi :-( sat at home, the plans didn't work out ... But am happy the fact that I felt the need just renconfirmed the bonds which I have been able to form with the gang.

Was discussing with a friend it is no nice to have a break mid-week. The week suddenly looks so small. But would I exchange the two day weekend for a Wed & Sun option - no way.

Went to Mad o Wot with P - he got a really radical but extremely nice haircut. Lets hope his office reaction is not very hostile - the cut really suits him. Sapna was v friendly and we chatted and she was talking abt here difficulty in getting a place given her live in relationship and her huge tattoos. Loved her attitude - totally kickass. She has promised that she will do something nice with my hair but I need to grow it for a month. The place where her salon is totally rocking and would be awesome to stay in - can imagine the down stairs as hall & kitchen and upstairs as bedroom overlooking the sea. But that ain't likely to happen so ...

Swimming in the Monsoon Sea - another Selvadurai - his books are very similar but very nice reads. I must be one of the few ppl who preferred Cinnamon Gardens to Funny Boy. This book is a subtle and with the backdrop of Othello. Looks ripe to be converted to a movie - A Bollywood movie based on it - sigh !
A line which is so relatable - "After a while, so much heat had spread through Amrith's body that he seemed to be burning up with a fever" - for the context read the book.

Saw a few movies - a documentary like movie on gay guys in Maghreb (Morocco etc) a big theme being that being a top is ok and only the "bottom" guys are derided and looked down upon, Elizabethtown (Cameron Crowe, Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst) breezy nice but a let down given the credits and 2046 (Wong Kar Wai) haunting beautiful (reminded me a lot of Brokeback in terms of long periods of silence).

Worked most of the sunday morning (9-12) - cleared my inbox - still had some more to do but decided its ok. This week is going to be quite hectic need to get a lot done.

Finally on a diet - one day at a time - deviation 100 odd calories in 24 hrs. I am going out today to a friends place and am supposed to take my team out tom - need to find a way to manage - no non-veg this week is the real block - else I could have had grilled fish.

Just seeing Hottest 40 over 40 - awesome the way this people look wow
INXS new video with the new lead - so HOT

mandatory brokeback post

... hyped, over hyped whatever u may say - very few movies have left me with a lingering sense of sadness like brokeback did .. in the final analysis in a very insidious way it got to me.

Lots more to say but this suffices ... Will see it again and maybe again but on dvd...

Holi

the charm - the disgust
the colours - the filth
the revelry - the molestation

After a long time have a bunch of friends with whom I want o play holi

The ideal scenario - friends and their friends (people with two degrees of separation) can meet in an open space (a garden with a waterbody !!) and have fun with gulal, bhang & sweets.

The compromise - Juhu - half the fun will be to drag R from his house ... hopefully it will turn out the way I visualize it ..

3 Phonecalls

1. Heard him out - didn't know the answers - he insisted I did but I really didn't - I don't really know JB well enough to help him. There was a phase when JB liked me but that was then and then JB distanced himself as he couldn't bear to be just friends. But do I know if JB is his type - for gods sake don't even fully understand what he wants. Finally took him thru series of events and hopefully made him realize he was just being too impatient and needs to give things time and maybe leave his ego behind and send a sms yet again. 15 mins + another 20 odd mins.

2. warm conversation with K about this and that. Shared frustations & a few laughs. Had to cut it short after 10 mins as I had revert to call one.

3. stilted conversation - hi and how r things and how r ppl - pissed me off by insinuating I was "passed out" on saturday night - anyway no mention of anything of consequence about his life - felt sad that we ran out of things to say before 5 mins.

Don't know why I am writing this post.

A gem from minstrels

"Looking Out"

It must be odd
to be a minority
he was saying.
I looked around
and didn't see any.
So I said
Yeah
it must be.
-- Mitsuye Yamada

Snippets in my mind

Because you're mine, I walk the line. Lovely thought, 35 years of togetherness and to die within 4 months of each other. A love story.

Have decided to start calling P Superman - he works in software, is learning French, plays tennis, goes to the gym, learning salsa, plays the piano, acts, does choir stuff, planning to teach engineering students etc etc. My only query to him was - r u enjoying doing all this or are u just doing them to either prove a point or simply because u think u have to.

What is in us that makes us uneasy when someone is very friendly ? Not sure how to react to overtures of a friends confidante - does he just want to be friends or does he want me to join his spiritual group thing or ...

How well do we know the people we call friends ? Someone asked me whether a friend of mine believes in monogamous relationships and I wasn't sure at all what the answer was ?

Waiters at restaurants who follows rules (defined to increase customer satisfaction) but only irritate the clients who expect a personalized experience. We don't want sambhar with dosa - we are happy just having it with coconut chutney.But no the waiter at Dosa Diner insisted that we have it too. And pls guys can we tone down the upsell pitch.

What does one give people who just got engaged - u could take flowers if u were going for the event but post that what do u get them - any his n hers kind of things don't work - finally bought stuff individually for both of them from Tresorie.

Will Brokeback be able to live up to the hype ? Specially with Crash & Walk the line already having pushed the threshold up.

Mainland China - awesome food, nice decor, indifferent service, bad temperature controls (it was like sitting in 10 degrees) really really shitty location - and I thought Location was the most important thing in Retail.

Nobody I like will ever like me.

Desperately need to buy a house - I want to have living space of my own - or even if I rent one will totally do it up. Obscene prices - 9.5-10.5 K per sq ft in Santa Cruz !!

Je suis desole Sis - didnt return your call.

Love lazy sundays - waking up with people in the house in nice - going to for late breakfast at JATC and lazing at Juhu Mocha till 1.30 p.m. Relax at home, small nap , check mail etc. Watch a nice movie - dinner and long walk on Carter Road with a friend.

Two consecutive nights of playing host is tiring. Unfortunately it also means that I hardly get to talk to too many people.

Why is it so hard to bear rejection ? And what can be worse then letting your fear of rejection stop you from taking the initiative at all.

Nobody has ever send me flowers.

How does one deal with the situation when your best friend loses a parent ?

Whats in the air ? Everyone seems to be having work issues - One is struggling with what he wants to do and the implications of those choices on his lifestyle , other is trying to find a better / higher paying one, for others looking for more appreciation and growth and pondering the question am I as good as I think I am ?, one is trying to balance independence & stability, ego & PR needed, one is doing something in which is heart is not there but he has already made a commitment and finally someone who is seeking ways to release their own potential from the shackels of family business.

Nice saturday too - Shopping in Tresorie, lunch at Mailnland China, haircut at Frank Provost, grocery shopping at SPAR, chatting with a friend at home, Soup & Salad at JATC and finally a nice and really successful (my impression) house party (maybe will write a post about it).

Why I am working so hard ?

Am really excited - have started working on something which is potentially HUGE. It is (a) intellectually challenging - will need to work in collaboration with best of breed brains in various fields in India & abroad (b) a huge market opportunity - will fulfill a long felt need and (c) potentially a development with a huge social payoff - will help improve the lives of a huge section of the population. Hence don't mind that I need to work harder than usual - am just very overwhelmed on working on something which if it works out will be a breakthrough.

Fingers crossed by end of the year it will all have worked out.

Well its done

The profile has been taken off - and no more visits to g.com - The "ennui" is dead - it needs a makeover

Hopefully will be back in April in a new avatar

Are you strong enough to be my man

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me I promise
I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me I promise
I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

- Sheryl Crow

>> Think I will take off my online profile & stop chatting

Valentines Week & My Phonebook

Valentines week scrolled my phone book n times - minus family, colleagues, and ppl from my alma mater - the list is as follows :

Doc - the person to whom I owe a lot - he was instrumental in my getting so comfortable and who was really patient & supportive a little more than four years back & his long term boy friend. Thanks Doc and sorry for not keeping in touch - cannot fathom a reason why I have not.

The 1st three friends I made - the snooty boys from bandra as we were called -
RB who was a little crazy, we fought a lot but also spend lots of time together - still remember our trip to Thailand - and how we would go our own separate way most of the time - coordinate such that we wouldn't be in Babylon at the same time - flirt together with waiters - we would meet every day for a while and then not meet at all for a week to ten days. Alas he has moved out of bombay ...
R the tall "lost look" friend - can't believe have known him for more than four years - we have this comfortable relationship give each other space all the time but are only a phone call away if the other needs to talk/meet. Sometimes grouchy, sometimes camp, sometimes childlike, sometimes all grown up, hopeless romantic ...
J - the always smiling always helpful the xtra sweet mac boi - have moved out of the country to follow his dreams.

My new set of friends along with R-
D/d - Met at Tres Botas a couple of years back - when he was visiting from Abad - met him again once he was back in bombay for good - something worked and we have grown close - only person with whom i talk on phone for ages. He has attitude, arrogance, confidence, vulnerability, talent, and an amazing heart. Nice to tease him sometimes - he pretends to be indifferent to what other people think - but gets upset if they dont read Inside Outside.
V, the global english talker & teacher, who thinks i have a lisp :-( and likes to write and read poems - Sensitive and fun loving - a total sweet heart.
CT, reminds me so much of a friend - is the exterior a facade ? the frivulous superficial exterior hides a heart of gold beneath. Yes CT it is ok not to be the life of the party all the time - u can be urself around us - mope abt boy, rant abt job etc

Ranima - xceptionally talented, strong willed and warm hearted boy/man. Learned French and German, did a MA and quadrupled the turnover of his family business all in a couple of years amazing.

H - the rich Juhu boy - v v sweet - would love to have as a friend am really fond of him - but understand his issues - and KM - possibly the first person to have a crush on me.

P - met in v unusual circumstances - have got close. Busy boy trying to do too many things with his life.

Vikster - am not sure what to say.

Half a dozen cute guys whom I find attractive (and 2-3 like too after bumping into with common friends) - but am very sure they dont find me - so thats that. Apart from a few hookups from the parties - whom I have kept in touch - called to parties at home introduced to friends. And a few links courtesy GB. So went to GB party with friends and partied ...

Mixed feelings

Yesterday was a weird day - had a lot of things to do some work stuff and some household chores - did nothing and given the current mood am vegetating in front of the laptop & TV - this will mean postponing them for a couple of weeks as am working next saturday. Need to get out of this lethargy.

Met R & V for lunch at Soulfry - the fish or chicken thali there has almost become a ritual for R & me. This should be last of such meals for the next three months. It is just too much food to eat. I am a Glutton on top of that had dessert -whats come over me I seem to be on suicidal path to obesedom. I don't like the way I have started looking.

Post that - V wanted to hang out have coffee etc but was sleepy and had a switched off empathy drive - could see the need for conversation in his eyes and his anxiety about life/career/ meeting B in the evening. Just was not in a mood to be the sounding board - so left him in the lurch and came home and slept. Felt guilty for a bit but was just not up to it. Dragged myself to town to meet all them later in the evening.

Plans were many - watch Rabbi/IO concert or catch the movie Some like it Hot, dinner at Busaba, drinks somewhere etc. However we decided to chuck the concert and as we were waiting for R,CT & B decided to go for a drink. We tried to figure our options and there were hardly any - Not just Jazz, Geoffery's and Starters & More were three we could come up with apart from Mondy's. Finally landed at Geoffery's and after a couple of Long Island Ice teas we scandalised the punjabi uncle with our conversation & behaviour. CT & B had joined us by them and we were all acting quite silly. Finally decided enough of this we want to dance and hence wanted to try and see if Voodoo's was back in business.

For fucking 500 bucks a day the bars can have a DJ - I bet all of them would shell that out in a jiffy - but no the government will take god only knows how long to determine whether they are appropriate - and we have the sad scene of bombay bars without music. Who has heard of such a travesty - we used to laugh at bangalore & delhi and other places where late nights were a no no - but for this to happen in bombay. What do we do - stay there in that awful place or go to Mondys as there are not too many options for "stags".

Found a place at Mondys - finally music but the next table guys were sniggering we thought at us and I was feeling fairly down that on a saturday night in bombay thats what we had been reduced to. None of the nicer place would let us in. So we all headed back home. The evening made me feel like shit - i don't know why ? Or maybe I do but was angry at being helpless ? Why can't four harmless guys have fun and be themselves without a care ?

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't really matter

Dilemmas faced this week

How do u deal with someone who lies on your face even though there was almost a 100% chance of getting caught ? Do u let it go thinking they were stupid to do so or do u confront them ? Am really angry, hurt, surprised and amused that someone would do so.

Would u bolster the ego of someone or give "bhav" to someone if it helps u achieve ur goals ? Its not abt being dishonest or praising someone - its just abt asking for help and managing ur own ego. Why is it difficult to tell someone guide me - when its not intellectual but just because someone controls the resources.

A saturday with Parents

Got up read the 4 newspapers - had warm home made breakfast in the morning - upma, dhoklas & tea. Who else but mom would get up early to cook a meal :-)

took my parents to little Italy for lunch - it has had a makeover looks so wannabe fine dining place - they have got the prices and the furniture but why is it so cramped and the layout is really bad. the food was just ok - except that they had an awesome range of juices - had a stawberry & kiwi fresh juice.

Went saree shopping with my mom - a bi annual ritual for the two of us. She tells me that everyone just loves the sarees I choose for her :-)Then we went to buy clothes for my nephew & niece.

Came back had a snooze - and surfed a little bit - This has been a very different visit - i have behaved almost like I would have if they were not there - go out late evenings / meet friends - surf the net like now - maybe given up by share of the tv but not much else - don't know what they think abt all this

Talked to a few friends / Chatted with a few others

watching phone booth - really awesome movie - had heard so much abt it and for a change a hyped thing lives up to the expectation. colin looks awesome - so vulnerable & so adorable

And now watching the lovely Aparna Sen & Lilette Dubey in conversation. All in all a nice pleasant day.

19 things about me

On request by V -
I
1) am really unhappy that I have no real talent - can't sing, play a instrument, draw/ paint, write etc
2) am disappointed in myself that I have not learned a new skill properly for ages despite multiple resolutions- given them all up half way. things to do list - learn swimming properly, driving, a new language (french / spanish)
3) am a good listener - have been called a mother hen
4) have a morbid fear of becoming fat again -though i am almost there :-( need to really really go on a diet after my parents have gone back
5) am very short tempered & prone to mood swings
6) am possessive and get hurt easily
7) am very demanding of people & hyper critical - expect a lot of people and get disappointed when they don't measure up
8) can spend long periods of time alone
9) love traveling - vietnam was the best trip of 2005
10) have lovely long eye lashes (or so I have heard)
11) still haven't completely gotten over my college crush - half my passwords still have his name in them
12) like reading - unfortunately am getting lesser & lesser time to do so
13) would love to direct a movie or start a restaurant/bar some day
14) can't decide whether I am ambitious or want to lead a balanced life - but defi have a big ego and the need to excel
15) am getting increasingly fed up of leading a dual life - would love to come out to the world after I make it big in the corporate world
16) am very self conscious and hate talking to strangers unless it is very task oriented
17) am not witty and am afraid that people think I am very boring
18) would love to learn to dance but am afraid to try as I might really suck at it
19) need to learn how to network better and keep in touch with people more often

An evening at the Shack

K, R & I decided we needed to head out in the evening last night - V decided that he preferred to make papads with his cousins and CT was out dancing with "The Boy" at voodoos.
I picked up K and knowing R can never reach anywhere on time - we asked him to meet us at Totos in 20 - hoping that the 40 odd minutes it takes us will be enough for him for his ten minute ride to Totos. We got there in about 40 mins and R had just left home !! Totos was full and they wouldn't let us in (thank god ! Totos at 10.30 at night - 7 in the evening its fine but late in the evening ?) and as to the external world we had no ladies with us - two other options remained - zenzi & the shack.

We started walking till we reached the crossroads where we needed to turn left for the shack or go str8 for zenzi - and so the practical me suggested we wait at the corner. K almost had a violent reaction and shuddered - "Hukka & Tikka - ppl will think I was there" - he turned and shrieked seeing the Shiv Sagar signage - "OR that I was There- we cannot be seen here". Thank god R rescued us from dilemma as to what would be less CLM (for the ignorant lot career limiting move) for K - to be seen outside Hukka & Tikka or Shiv Sagar.

Then started I don't care you two decide - but I hate any idea suggested by you routine. I was clear my prefrence order was SHACK, Zenzi & ........................ Totos in that order. K atleast on surface seemed truly indifferent. R the drama queen - thought he wasn't dressed for Zenzi and Shack would be too crowded, would play the same music blah blah but then he said the magic words - " I am ok with anything". Spotting a moment of weakness voted for the Shack and we started to drift towards it - all the while R was cribbing and K & I just humoured him ... Finally we reach the shack.

Paid our damages at the door - got the Shack stamp on our hands and sashayed our way in and ordered our drinks. Some call centre kids dancing away, some office crowd, etc etc. we thought the usual people -but we sorely missed the presence of one cutie (a mandatory requirement when u go to the shack !). So we had to do with the specimens present - (a) Str8 guy with a gf/wife desperate to dance slot while he sits with a bored to death expression. He sat there staring at nothing in particular - while she sang along the songs and tried to dance around him. We didn't mind as both R & I thought he was quite cute ( we have to do something about this increasing intersection set between our preferences - this won't do). (b) Dancing diva - a green shirt really tall tipsy man all over the place - quite sweet (c) bunch of drunk college guys - in this case they happened to be from R's college and were perhaps trying to recreate the atmosphere of the college party. Which leads me to wonder hmmm what was happening there - this guys were grinding close to each other etc etc - u get the picture ew ew and all that. It was fun to see R desperately wishing that they disappear . (d) smart ass cool dude - Guy wearing a T shirt - Looking for a Threesome - and he was with another guy & a girl - The guy looked quite gay - led me to wonder what was happening - and when he left for the loo the girl was giving shit to the other guy.

But what was so different about the evening was this one guy - whose idea of dancing seems to be to dry hump the air around him - R & K tolerated his presence - but finally when it got too much - I gave him the traditional elbow treatment. For the uninitiated the elbow treatment is when you position your elbow in a manner which pokes the other person very hard everytime he gets too close. After 5 minutes - he turned and asked "do u want a fight ?" I said " No darling but why dont u keep a 6 inch gap between the two of us " It seemed like escalating - but R & K were pulling my tshirt and his cute friends apologised and took him away. This would have been a first for me a disc brawl.

Anyways the dj's played a lot of different kinds of music - very unlike the shack - announced that they are adding a floor (yipeee !!) - where they will play less loud music (wonder why !!?) - it all got over by 1.15 the dj the tease played - Bluffmaster AB Baby's Come to me song ( the mandatory one hindi number at the shack), followed by a John Denver Jetplane and ended with Lonely lonely ... All in all a fun evening - though i was not a bit high - and we all agreed however much we may grumble about the Shack - it always rocks

P.S. Watched Bali & Shambu a play at Prithvi with my parents. Quite nice. The poignant old age home theme - and regrets of unreconciled differences comoflagued with surface humour.

random thoughts

Went to see Rang de Basanti with the gang. Loved it - very stylish (sometimes it seemed only for the effect and very music video) and very subtle. At intermission K and I had our fingers crossed as we dreaded the thought of it falling flat in the 2nd half. The mood shift was handled really well. Shed tears. Loved the acting by the entire crew - surprisingly even Soha. Sidhharth is so cute and so intense and so ... Thankfully all of us went for one of the crew (R let go of Sidharth for me :-)), V liked Sharman, K liked Kunal and R settled on Atul Kulkarni.

All of us went to the Holiday Inn coffee shop at 2 in the morning - for coffee- ended up having chicken, cheese and tomatoes sandwiches & lots of fries. We are all such gluttons. Reached home around 4.

ChinaGarden - lunch with parents. As usual the food was awesome - despite having an all veg chinese meal !! As I told K there were so many nice looking, stylish young south bombay bois there - sigh ! wonder if I should do the unthinkable and move to south bbay.

Have the chat window open in the background - nobody is buzzing me (other than those irritating bots) and i am busy reading / or writing on blogs. Such is life - i end up chatting only with friends who also happen to be online.

Yesterday work was chaotic though. I just don't know whether i will be able to handle these meetings without getting bugged. The frivolous behaviour - but thankfully it accomplished some of the key objectives. My entire idea of work life balance seems to have gone out of the window with me spending close to 12 hours at work - but anyway who has a life ? Is a date too much to ask for ?

2 theories and some facts

Experiencing a sense of deja vu - have a feeling am going to get caught up again between two friends in their I love you, I love you not plucking petals from a flower game. I am being convinced that noway is it going to happen ... hmmm where have we heard that one before.

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I have a theory (actually very much drawn from empirical evidence) my mean talktime follows a geometric progression- 50% (1 other person); 25% (2 friends); 12.5% ( 3 friends) and so on.... you get the idea I suppose. Hence in evenings like last night - with 8 people in the room ( some of whom are close friends, others are people I would very much to like to get to know better) the expected talktime from me would be virtually insignificant. I like meeting people one on one - don't like talking on phone too much either, apart from to a very small set of people. So people who know me well - know I can talk non-stop or listen attentively for hours - but in groups just tend to be a tad quiet.

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We all went to meet "The Boy" - this incredibly sweet boy CT is seeing for what K & R described as a regressive ritual of "mooh dikhai". Anyway drinks, indifferent music and good natured ribbing - the evening was good fun. We left them to play Twister - watch out for details on talkingclosets.

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Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all ?

My parents are in town - I am watching Indian Idol !!!!!!

Dates

6 dates in 2 weeks - thats the tally for the young pianist unleashed on the bombay scene. From his first kiss a little more than six months back to this - not bad. But 6 dates w/o getting to first base - reminds me of myself and how I used to scoff when friends told me 4 years back that sex was a necessary lubricant (no pun intended) for gay relationships ! He is sweet, arrogant and idealistic - someone is too verni, others too sedate, others too ... I wish him good luck and hope tonight proves to be different - he has gone a long way for this one.

I realised I haven't been to as many dates in the last 2 years. But P asked me - what about random hookups or party pickups they surely must be more than dates ? I said vehemently NO ! But why did I not meet some of them for a date ? Well it just didn't seem right. And anyways people whom you would like to date - are not interested - so whats a man to do.

3 weeks ...

2006 - a 2 hr walk to herald the new years, almost being crushed in a stampede (ok ok a gross exaggeration) , watching K make a move for the Emran Hashmi lookalike ...

But Goa, new years and friends a heady concoction

The next night with stars above us and at our feet in the middle of nowhere - simply awesome.

Work's been killing -new responsibilities, stretched team and traveling to god forsaken places like Vijaywada. The stopover at Hyd was interesting - did something for the 1st time - unfortunately it ended in a whimper.

Guilty that have not been able to spend time with my uncle who has been in the hospital since 30th - but how do i leave office in the middle of the day?

Parents are coming to bombay on saturday !! Not sure for how long !!

Have half a dozen books in various stages of being read - Venus as a boy, Murakami's South of the border, McEwan's Saturday ; On Beauty by Eco, Kundera's Ignorance and Philip Roth's The Dying Animal.

Finally switched to a healthy option for lunch - its really good - both in terms of variety and taste.